Healing Well of Miriam

It has been argued that since honoring parents is not one of the Seven Universal Noahide Laws, the people of the Nations are not so obligated.  I disagree with this whole premise for a number of reasons. 

A legal argument is that if non-Jewish parents are idolators, honoring or obeying them could trap a non-Jewish person in idolatry themselves.  The exception cited is Abraham, who proved his loyalty to the One God even in his father’s house.  However, rather than considering Abraham’s case as impossible for anyone else, his behavior should be viewed as a model of loyalty to God while still honoring one’s parents.

Law is not only written rules; sometimes it is taught by precept.  One such is how Noah was honored by his sons, Shem and Jafeth.  After the Flood, Noah planted a vineyard, drank the wine and became drunk.  Ham’s tattling to his brothers that their father was lying naked is a prime example of dishonoring his father.  Shem and Jafeth, by contrast, took a cloak between themselves and walked backward to lay it over Noah.  At that time, there was no written law, but their hearts knew what the right thing was to do.  The honor they showed him was blessed by Noah, and by extension, by God.  

Ideally, honoring our parents teaches us to relate to God as the Parent of our Soul, loving Him with our entire being.  Understanding this shows how important the role of a parent is to a child.  Many people who have issues trusting God have had struggles with a parent.   The greatest gift a person can have in this world is a loving parent, for this makes it easier to develop a personal spiritual relationship.  Just as our Soul’s primary inclination is to love God and yearn for Him, honoring our parents is a core expression of being truly human. 

When we understand that our souls come into the world over and over, we realize that Heaven equips us with whatever we need to accomplish our purpose for each lifetime.  Thus, we chose our parents as part of our soul’s journey.  Perhaps we owe some type of karma debt to that soul (our parent), or perhaps that soul needs time in the world with us.  It’s never only one thing; there may be a complex mixture of situations that need solution.  The point is, though, our parents are in our lives because we agreed to be born to them. 

The Torah says to honor our father and mother, that our days may be long upon the earth.  This blessing equates this command to life, whereas the opposite—dishonoring them—would be death.   This blessing may literally promise longevity of years, or it may mean a rich quality in the years of a person’s life.  Either way, it helps a person accomplish the purpose of his soul in the world. 

Unfortunately, it is a sad reality that some parents are abusive and cruel.  It is very difficult to have a relationship with these people.  In fact, for our own emotional and mental health, it is necessary to distance ourselves from people who harm us—including parents.  There are people who teach that forgiveness means never giving up on such relationships, and this idea has put many people into very untenable, even dangerous, damaging, circumstances.  Each situation is individual, but no one should be expected to remain in a harmful relationship.  However, the law itself is not conditional, so how does a person fulfill the principle of honoring such a parent?  Judaism teaches that the minimal is to accompany the parent to the grave.  This may not always be physically possible, but a person should try to find some means of closure.

In extreme cases, it may be asked if it is necessary, or even possible, to forgive?  Yes.  Forgiveness is very important, not necessarily for the parent himself, but for the sake of one’s own soul, for one’s own peace of mind and heart.  Holding the negative energy of someone’s debt is incredibly damaging, for it holds a person in bondage with a wound that can never heal.  Releasing that is not an easy thing to do, nor can it truly be instantaneous.  Forgiveness is releasing another’s debt to the judgment of Heaven by praying that this person (his parent) not be held accountable for his sake.  Otherwise, the person in question will not only be hanging onto anger toward his earthly parent by also (perhaps subconsciously) against God. 

Even in the worst cases, the parent-child relationship serves to teach human beings about relating to God, for this is the most basic of all human relationships.  That is why God commanded: Honor your father and mother.