Healing Well of Miriam

Elul  ~  5770

אֱלוּל ~   תש״ע

The Month of Teshuva
Healing Negative Emotions

He made the letter Yod king over action
And He bound a crown to it
And He combined one with another
And with them He formed
Virgo in the Universe
Elul in the Year
And the left hand in the Soul
male and female.
–Sefer Yetzirah

 The theme of the month of Elul is teshuva, as we fast approach the High Holidays, during which all decisions for the coming year are made by Heaven—both for individuals and nations.   “Who will live?…Who will die?”  “Who will rise?…Who will fall?”  Who will be rich?…Who will be poor?”  All is decided, as the Books are opened, records read, verdicts contemplated.  But first, the King is in the field to hear the pleas of His beloved children…to give them the chance to return. 

The name of the month—Elul—is derived from the Aramaic root ve’elilu, meaning “to explore.”  This self exploration is to search out any place in the Soul that needs repair, change, or healing.  In many of the Psalms David prays to be saved from the “man of violence” or the “wicked man”; this could be that man within himself (his Nefesh) as easily as some man outside himself.  What is that place of the soul’s tendency to violence or wickedness, that place that causes me to be alien, not only to Hashem, but to my own true Soul?  Help me search that out so I can be wholly who I truly am, ridding myself of those things that separate me from You, Hashem, my Beloved.  The name Elul (אלול) hints at this concept through its spellings, in which can be seen an acronym of the first letters of the Song of Songs 6:3 “I am for my Beloved and my Beloved is for me” (Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li).  May I be for my Beloved with a full heart and be worthy of His being for me.

The mazal (constellation) of the month is Virgo, the Virgin (Betulah, in Hebrew).  At various key junctures in our lives we have the opportunity to be seen as pure as a virgin.  Whenever a woman gets married, she wears white under the chuppah, regardless of whether it is her first wedding or not.  As we go into the month of Tishrei, we pass through a purification process, an opportunity for a new start.  When the people of Israel worshiped the Golden Calf, it was as though a bride committed adultery on her wedding day.  Moshe Rabbenu went up Sinai the third time on the first of Elul and descended with the second set of tablets on Yom Kippur.  He was on the mountain through the entire month of Elul, pleading with Hashem for His bride to be again considered pure and be given another chance to accept the ketubah (marriage contract) of the Torah.   Each year we enter the month of Elul, we do not simply commemorate this event; we relive it as present and happening to us—nationally and individually—in our lives, with whatever else is going on at the time.  Our Beloved listens for our pleading voice to take us back anew, as the virgin bride.  

The Hebrew letter corresponding to Elul is yod (י), which is the point that begins all the other Hebrew letters—the building blocks of Creation.  In this sense, Elul is the return to the beginning, to “rewrite”—or “rebuild”—the story of our lives.  Yod is the letter associated with wisdom (chochmah), the sefirotic attribute of the right brain—the place of potential, before ideas take shape.  Yod is spelled out:  yod, vav, daleth (יוד).  Yod spelled backward—daleth, vav, yod (דוי)—is davay (uneasiness, worrisome, agitation), an unwholesome state resulting from a person’s choosing the opposite of Gdly wisdom.  We can understand this state as the whole gamut of negative emotions resulting from looking to oneself rather than to Hashem.  As chochmah is connected to life, davay is to death.  As chochmah connects us to Hashem and to our higher Souls, davay separates our consciousness.  The remedy is to return to the source, the yod, to rewrite the formula of “what makes us tick”—the vibration of the letters associated with our particular Soul’s vibration. 

How did I become a “man of violence/wickedness”?—of violent/wicked reactions, violent/wicked speech, violent/wicked behavior?  Was it to protect myself in a scary world?  Is that because I do not trust Hashem to protect me, after too many bad incidents convinced me that maybe He would not?  Then it became a habit, imprinted on my Nefesh and trapped in my flesh… but is that truly who I am?…who I truly want to be?

 Can I start over with another chance to be for my Beloved?… and truly enter into the depth of His being for me?

The King is in the field, waiting for me… to turn around so I can see Him… my Beloved.  The theme of Elul is teshuva… teshuva with joy.

As in any time of teshuva, the Torah parshaot deal with judgment.  However, at this time, following the fast of Tish b’Av, the Haphtorah portions are of consolation…and genuine healing.  So we should look to the Torah, judge ourselves, and be consoled by His loving belief in us to return to Him and to ourselves.

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Miriam Ben-Yaacov © August 2010